Episode 102 - Weight Gain 4000

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom] Kyle: Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning? Stan: Yeh, it was huge. Cartman: Heh, I hate those things. Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows. Stan: Yeh, what's there to hate about rainbows? Cartman: Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass. And you'll be all like, "hey, get out of my ass you stupid rainbows" Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!? Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those frigging things! Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm. Cartman: Ohh, rainbowwws, oh yeh, I like those, those are cool. Stan: What were you talking about? Cartman: Heh, oh, nothing, forget it. Kyle: No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?!? Cartman: Nothing. Mr. Garrison: Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? [Silence] Mr. Garrison: One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize. Wendy: Wow, I knew I would win. Mr. Hat: Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting. Mr. Garrison: That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... [Dramatic Pause] Mr. Garrison: Eric Cartman. Wendy: What? Cartman: What? Mr. Garrison: Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper. Cartman: Kick Ass! Stan: That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop tart. Cartman: Yeh I do, pop tarts are frosted. Mr. Garrison: Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner. Kyle: Wow, what did you write about Cartman? Cartman: Oh, you know, this and that. Wendy: He doesn't even know what he wrote about! Kyle: What was your paper about Wendy? Wendy: My paper was on the suffering of bottle nosed dolphins. Cartman: There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid. Stan: Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet. Cartman: Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time? Wendy: What? Mr. Garrison: Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford. Kyle: Kathie Lee is coming to South Park? Mr. Garrison: And the presentation will be on national television. Stan,Kyle: Television! Mr. Garrison: [Thinking to himself] Kathie Lee Gifford, I don't believe it. [City Hall] Mayor: Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that were not just some piss-ant white bred mountain town. Igg: Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity. Mayor: Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator. Oook: Maybe even a State Senator. Igg: Mayor, we should decorate the town square. Oook: Then we should have the chef of the school cafteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town. Mayor: That's right, he's a black guy isn't he? Igg: Black as the night itself Mayor. Mayor: Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children. Igg: If there working in a sweat-shop that is. Oook: Ohhh. Igg: Ouch. Oook Laughs Igg: Thank you. [Cafeteria] Cartman: You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous. Wendy: Hitler was famous too. Chef: Hello there children. Kyle, Stan: Hey chef. Chef: How are my little crackers today? Kyle, Stan: Good. Chef: Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park. Stan: Yeh, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest. Cartman: Hey! Chef: Yeh, yeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony. Kyle: Wow, are you gonna do it? Chef: Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation. Stan: Yeh, that'd be cool. Kenny: Chef: Well, three times bigger than Frank Giffords anyway. Chef laughs suggestively [Mr. Garrison's Classroom] Mr. Garrison: Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement. Looks at Mr. Hat Mr. Garrison: Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat? Mr. Hat: Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you? Mr. Garrison: Mmm,mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago. And I was only a child. Mr. Hat: We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge. [Flashback to Talent Show] Lil Mr. Garrison: Knock, Knock Mr. Hat. Mr. Hat: Who's there? Lil Mr. Garrison: Orange. Mr. Hat: Orange who? Lil Mr. Garrison: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? One person claps Mr. Hat: Thank you. Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2 Lil Mr. Garrison: Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win. Show Announcer: And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein. Lil Kathie Lee: [Singing]If they could see me now, that little gang of mine. I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like the stumble bums to see for a fact The kind of chop chop, first class chums I attract All I can say is wow, we looking well ah yeh And I ... I'm aiming for the stars But I say they'll holy cow. They never believe it. If my friends could see me now. Crowd goes wild Judges show all 10's [Back in the classroom] Mr. Garrison: It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete that? Mr. Hat: But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better. Mr. Garrison: How? Mr. Hat whispers to Mr. Garrison Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford! [Cut to Commercial] [Mr. Garrison's Classroom] Mayor: Children, as you all know, Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay. Cartman: That kid is me. Mayor: Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park. Mr. Garrison: That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat. Mr. Hat: Kill Her. Mr. Garrison: [Whispered]Mr. Hat! Mayor: Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play. Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her. Wendy: Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated. Mayor: Who cares? Now kids, whats say we give it our South Park best. [Silence] Mayor: And who's our little prize winner again? Cartman: Me! Eric Cartman! Mayor: How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we? Cartman: Yes maam. I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television. [Bus Stop] Cartman: I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television. Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy. Cartman: Ehh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish. Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly. Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise. Stan: Dolphins are way smarter than you. Cartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos? Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's eskimos. Cartman: Dolphins, eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap. Stan: Tell me what you wrote about! Cartman: I can't. I have to go home and get in shape. Stan: Yeh, right. You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat cheesy poofs, ass-master! Cartman: Screw you, hippie. [Cartman's House] TV Announcer: We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this. Beefcake: Hey! You need to get in shape fast?!? Wanna look your best?!? Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?!? Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!? Cartman: Yeh, I only weight 90 pounds. Beefcake: Then bulk up quick, with weight gain 4000!! Cartman: Yes! Beefcake: With over 4000 grams of saturated fat per serving, it's patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Beefcake: Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me 'Beefcake!' Cartman: Beefcake! Beefcake: Beefcake! Cartman: Beefcake! Beefcake: Beefcake! Cartman: Beefcake!!! TV Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver. Cartman: Mom, can you get me some weight gain 4000. Ms. Cartman: Ok Eric, I'll get you some from the store tomorrow. Cartman: But mom, I need it for tomorrow. Ms. Cartman: But tomorrow is grocery day Eric. Cartman: (Throwing a fit)But mom.... Ms. Cartman: Ok, ok, then I guess I'll be going to the store now then. [Mr. Garrison's Bed] Mr. Garrison hear's singing in his head Kathie Lee: If they could see me know, that little gang of mine, I'm eating fancy chow and. Mr. Garrison: No, no! Mr. Hat: Kill her. Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it. Mr. Hat: Kill! Mr. Garrison: That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer Mr. Hat. Mr. Hat: She'll make a fool of you again. Mr. Garrison: Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy. [Bus Stop] Cartman: Hey dudes. Kyle: What the hell is wrong with you Cartman, haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground? Cartman: Listen, I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that? Stan: What? You've got to weight 90 pounds. Cartman: I'm up to 94, thank you very much. Kenny: Mmmhmmhmh Kyle: Yeh, they're almost as big as his mom's. [Laughter] Cartman: Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff. Cartman Drinks Can of Weight Gain Stan: What's that stuff? Cartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up. Kyle: Bulk up to what, fat ass. Stan: Super-fat ass. Cartman: Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings. Bus Arrives Cartman: Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh. [Town Square] Mayor: Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows! [Scene of Cows] Cows: Mooooo? [Stage] Mayor: Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going? Mr. Garrison: Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top. Mayor: Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it. Mr. Garrison: Ok, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage. Good. And all the little indians go to the center of the stage. Clyde: Am I an Indian, or a pioneer? Mr. Garrison: Do you have a feather on your head? Clyde: Yeh. Mr. Garrison: Then you're an Indian. Clyde: Oh. Mr. Garrison: Ok Bebe, this is your line. BeBe: [Somewhat broken]This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land. Mayor: Oh, don't they look adorable? BeBe: Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers. Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians [Screams] Teepee falls on Kenny Mayor: Oh my God! Mr. Garrison: They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy. BeBe: The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands. Pioneer punches Indian repeatedly. Mayor: Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford. Mr. Garrison: Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days. Stan: Take that you stupid Indian! Stan beats Indian with butt of gun Mayor: Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!? Mr. Garrison: To Hell with Kathie Lee Gifford! [Audible disbelief] Mr. Garrison: Oh my God, what have I said. Mr. McCormick: He said, "To Hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!" [Booo] Mayor: Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play. [Mr. Garrison's House] Mr. Hat: It happened again didn't it. Now we do things my way. Mr. Garrison: I can't kill her Mr. Hat, you're gonna have to do it Mr. Hat Laughs [Stage] Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load. Cartman: Yeh, I'm really starting to fill out nicely. Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever! Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape. Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!" Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling. Townsman: God damn, that's a big fat ass! Cartman: Hey! Wendy: Hi guys. Cartman: Oh look, another hippie. Peace Wendy. Stan: Shut up Cartman. Cartman: Ohhh, Two little hippies sitting in a tree.... Wendy: I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. [Jimbo's Gun Shop] Jimbo: Can I help you? Mr. Garrison: Yes, I need a gun. Jimbo: Would this be for hunting, home protection or other? Mr. Garrison: Other. Jimbo: Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on! Hands Mr. Garrison a gun Jimbo: That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes. Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror]You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo]You talkin' to me? I don't know, it's a little small. Jimbo: Ok, how about this? Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror]You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo]Hmm, no, I don't like this one either. Jimbo: Here's the same gun, with a wood finish. Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror]You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me. [To Jimbo]I'll take it. [Mr. Garrison's Classroom] Wendy: Hello? Wendy sneaks over to file cabinet My essay by Eric Cartman: When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of... Mr. Garrison enters Wendy Hides Mr. Garrison: Well Mr. Hat, I guess ole Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang! Wendy: Oh my God. [Go to commercial] [Town Square] Enter Mr. Garrison with gun Townsman: Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun. Mr. Garrison: Thank you. Townswoman: Nice gun Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Approaches Officer Barbrady Mr. Garrison: Hello Officer Barbrady Officer Barbrady: Nice Gun. Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Kathie Lee. Officer Barbrady: Hmm, you know, I think the book despository would be a good bet [Shot of Book Depository, with vultures circling] Mr. Garrison: Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady. Officer Barbrady: No problem. Hah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee. Mayor: Where is she? Cartman: This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake! Kyle: I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman. Wendy: You guys, we have to stop him! Kyle: Stop who? Wendy: Mr. Garrison, he's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford. Cartman: Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame. Wendy: He's got a gun! Cartman: You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you. Wendy: It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go! Stan: Wendy, you've got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination? Wendy: Stan, I can't do it alone. Please? Kyle: Uh oh, we're losing him. Mayor: Here she comes. Band starts playing Kathie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on back of car [Shot of Mr. Garrison in window of book depository] Mr. Garrison: Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford. [On street] Townswoman: We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh Kathie Lee: I love you too [Shot of Mr. Garrison in window]